Decisions

I am making big decisions today.  I have three jobs to pick from.  My current job and two new ones.  I am weighing a lot of factors out.

Balance

The balancing act continues. On the good side:

• I am doing great at work, 
• I am sleeping better,
• I am two nights nightmare free, 
• And, my new shift lets me spend more of my day with my kids.  

On the bad side:

• The girls are finding it hard that I am leaving for work when they are awake
• Even Princess Belle has said she misses me and doesn't like me working,
• I am driving home a half hour late at night.

Better Than I expected

I had a great day at work today.  Time flew by, the people were fun, I wasn't dragged out at all.  I even seemed to do pretty well for my first day actually doing this job in 20 years.  My boss seemed impressed.

The kids had a good day, they weren't sad today and we're happy to see me come home.

Soon tired

After two days working, I am tired but okay.  The drive home feels SO long when I am worn out.  

Little Prince doesn't seem to notice the difference, but the girls do.  They are used to me being home and it is hard to see them sad but I brought home treats today that made them all happy and they are little movie fun so they seem to feel better.  I am trying not to think too hard about the balancing act and just take it one day at a time.

One Down . . .

I made it through my first day.  I'm super-exhausted but it went well.  I really like my boss.  We have a lot in common and I really enjoyed our conversations.

Princess Snifflefritz is having a little bit of a hard time with the fact that I am not home all day like she is used to, but I promised to bring home a treat after work tomorrow and she seemed to feel better.

First Day

Well today is my first day of work and I am both excited and scared.

Prince Charming has offered to help with homeschooling and Princess Belle has offered to help with her siblings.  The little girls are excited at the idea of daddy and big sister babysitting.

Between homeschool, therapy, cooking, and keeping the house, there will be a lot of scheduling, but I really believe that I can do this and I can make our life better.

When it gets hard, I just have to remgmber thst these are the people I am doing this for:

Well That's Was Quick!

I job searched for half a day.  That is all.  On my third stop, I walked in and was introduced to the manager, who interviewed me on the spot!!  Half-way through the interview she began to fill out new employee paperwork and  discussing my hours.  Apparently, I was hired before I even knew!!  She was looking for a responsible person for evening shifts and I am perfect!  There is even opportunity for advancement because of that!  I start tomorrow!!

Preparations

So, I am spending the morning preparing for my job hunt. I am updating my resume and putting together my reference letters.  I hope I can find something quickly because the worry about my ability to balance is killing me!

Big Decision . . . Scary!

Well, I have made a tough decision.  I think I am going to have to try to go back to work.  We had a rough winter in regards to stuff like heating and now we need a new vehicle too.  I am a little nervous.  I don't know if I can homeschool, do therapy appointments, take care of the house and cooking, but I am a super-organized, great planner and Princess Belle says she will help Prince Charming.  His job is only 3 days a week at the moment so we should be able to coordinate our schedules no problem.

The only other thing is that I haven't had a job in about 12 years and I HATED being a working mom back then.  This doesn't have to be forever, but it can make our life better.  All that being said, I am honestly terrified.

In order to help that along, the pink hair had to go.

Here is what I  came up with:

Not So Wordless Wednesday

I am a sucker for Princess Snifflefritz in her little diaper and shirts. I just love her adorable little legs coming out of that big old diaper. She is just so sweet as she tries to make her way around the room. I can't help but grin at her as I watch her wobbly walk.


I am a little lost without Prince Charming, but we are doing okay. His job interview is today. I hope he gets it! I really want some answers soon. The best thing is that we have friends there. We have contacts there already. I would love to see some of them again. I would love to be settled there again. We lived there for four years in the same house, in the same neighbourhood. We liked it there.

I am thinking that Princess Magpie is ready to potty train, but I am so NOT ready for that step. Isn't that funny. It is the one part of mommyhood I get nervous about. I could really use any advice that any of you mommy's out there have.

She was really industrious yesterday. She emptied out the bin that all of the girls toys are in and she dragged it into the living room and after using it as a car, a table, and a stool, she then made a bed in it.



Since Prince Charming has gone for a few days, I am making an easy dinner for the girls. I am making Ground Beef and Macaroni Cheese.

MACARONI, GROUND BEEF & CHEESE CASSEROLE

1 sm. pkg. elbow macaroni, cooked
1 1/2 lbs. lean ground beef
1 can tomato
Salt & Pepper to taste
1 1/2 c. grated cheddar cheese
1 med. bell pepper, chopped
1 lg. onion, diced

Brown meat and pour off the fat, saute onion and pepper. In large baking dish combine meat, cooked macaroni, onion, bell pepper, seasonings and tomatoes. Cover with foil and bake at 400 degrees for 45 minutes to 1 hour. Uncover and top with grated cheese. Bake an additional 15 minutes. Serves 6.

I a decided to make something different for my dinner. I need to get healthy again. I haven't been eating that well lately, but stress is no reason to screw up all this weight I have lost. So, my supper tonight is Taco Rice. I can eat the leftovers over the next couple of days.

Vegetarian Taco Rice

2-Cans Low Sodium Canned Yellow Sweet Corn
6-Cups Brown Rice
1-Packet Taco Seasoning
1-Bottle Ortega Taco Sauce (Mild, Medium, or Hot)
1-Can Black Beans (Low Sodium if possible)
Hot Sauce as wanted...

Directions
Combine packet of Taco Seasoning, Corn and Beans in separate pans to rice in large bowl. Stir in 1 bottle of Taco Sauce. (I will probably add salsa since I have some in my fridge.) Heat through.

Serving Size: Makes 9 1-cup servings, or 18 1/2 cup servings

Rambling Thoughts from my scattered brain.

Okay, so be prepared this may be a bit of a random ride, Prince Charming is heading out of town today for a job interview and my mind is racing around in circles. I have mixed feelings about this. Mostly I am wishing it away. I want answers now. I am not big on patience. I want to know if he has the job, I want to know if I am moving. I want to know when I am moving. I want to know how I am moving and where.

I am also nervous. This means I am home alone with three girls for a few days. I hope they let me sleep at least a little! And I don't see a lot of baths in my near future either LOL. I am thinking I will be making super easy kid friendly meals for the next couple of days and I will probably be doing less baking because lets face it, we don't need a stressed out, temporarily single mom having free access to lots of baked goodies now do we?

I am a planning fanatic. I research the heck out of things. I make plans and then improve them. I organize and sort and fix and prepare. But until things are settled all the way, I can't do any of that and it is KILLING ME. LOL. Okay, so maybe I have issues, but planning too much isn't usually a bad thing . . . right??

Btw, I watched The Biggest Loser that I had on the DVR and I love that they are all one team now. It was super episode and I LOVED it. I wonder if those new trainers will be on future seasons? I kinda hope not. They are fine and dedicated and I like them well enough, but I really really admire Bob and Jillian and The Biggest Loser wouldn't be the same without them.

Mumbling on Monday

I am having one of those days when my head is hurting too much to even hold my head up. I am spending my day drinking too much coffee and self-medicating with food (which I am sure I will regret tomorrow). I will return tomorrow with more to say I am sure.

In the meantime, tomorrow Prince Charming is going out of town for a job interview and I am really nervous. I hope he gets it. I hope we find out soon he gets it. I hope moving plans go smoothly. I hope we can get things organized quickly. I have a lot of things on my mind and my head hurts too much to think about them. Go figure . . .

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Random Things from Twisted Cinderella 1. I saw Princess at swimming class for the first time yesterday. She was so funny and cute! I was so proud as she jumped right in and she learned how to float. 2. I laughed so hard as I watched floating like a champ and then sink like a stone every time she kicked her feet. 3. I took LOTS and LOTS of pics of her swimming lessons. 4. I am slowly getting my house back in shape, a little at a time. 5. I am going to try to get myself back on track in my eating plan. I have been on a runaway train to fatville lately and I need to turn around. 6. I saw that show the other day, "Journeyman" I really liked it. It reminded me of that old show "Quantum Leap". Now, I can't figure out which day I saw it show that I can't figure out when it is on. 7. I love my evenings with my family. There is a special closeness about sitting together watching shows with Prince Charming while Princess is up in her room singing and playing. 8. I am planning on buying some of that Honey Vanilla Chai Tea from Celestial Seasonings again. It is so completely soothing and relaxing and luxuious and I have been overdoing the coffee again. 9. I need to cut back on my evening eating. I have gotten back into that horrible habit. 10. I need to concentrate on eating my regular meals and getting my water. 11. I love watching mysteries, I love chatting with Prince Charming and each of us throwing theories out there and then the little thrill when you are right. 12. I love to cuddle in my bed and read before I go to sleep. Sometimes a good mystery, sometimes romance novels, sometimes other things like Dan Brown and other things. 13. Princess was on the bus going to her swimming and she started talking to an old lady sitting next to her. She went on and on talking quickly in that open way that 5 year olds have. She told the lady about her imaginary sisters and how "mommy had my baby sister in her belly but she died." It is always there for her. She mentions it all t he time. She told me yesterday, she wished it was national baby day and everyone could have a new baby. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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Coming Clean

I haven't been completely honest with you the last couple of days, I have been weathering a storm and I haven't felt up to sharing it. Like a child huddled in a corner while the winds of stress and indecision swirl around me battering me, paralyzing me. Leaving helpless to save myself by making any choices at all.

I struggled like that for a few days, putting off decisions, pretending the weekend would go on forever. But as the weekend crawled by and nightmares tormented the little sleep I was getting, and heart palpitations accompanying every thought I had of work, I knew I could't pretend that I was okay forever. The weight of indecision paralyzed me, I couldn't clean my house, I couldn't leave my house, I couldn't even take care of myself. On both Friday and Monday, I put it off any permanent decisions, when I burst into tears while getting ready for work, I called in sick. I just got through the day. Day to day was all I could manage.

Today, I called work. I told them what had been happening. I told them I have been having ongoing stress issues. I told them about my heart palpitations. I told them I couldn't face going in to work. In short, I quit.

I feel like a weakling, like a failure, like I should have been stronger, I shouldn't have let it get to me. But, my mom had 4 major heart attacks when she was my age. The idea of being a failure scares me, but the idea of having a heart attack at 35 scares me more.

When I called today, they were kind and gentle. They were concerned and didn't pressure me to change my mind. They made me feel valued and let me know I would be missed, but they also let me know they understood.

Afterwards, sitting quietly with my hands wrapped around my hot cup of coffee in the calm that often follows a storm, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I took my first deep breathe in days and the thought went through my head . . . . "I'm Free." And suddenly the sun was peaking out from the clouds and I felt that whatever else came, I knew I was going to be okay.

Some days . . .

I had a rough day yesterday at work. I can't tell you how badly it went. I won't go into details, but I will tell you I ended up going home with heart palpitations. I wasn't even certain, I wanted to stay. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, to do everything perfect that when I really fall short of that I can't deal with it.

I have been having heart palipations at work lately anyway, sometimes so badly that I have to get up and go take a quick break.

I want to badly to tell them to take their ridiculous rules, their stupid little details that cause them to tell me I am the best worker they have there but I still failed my evaluation. I FAILED not once but TWICE. Little Miss I gotta get everything perfect FAILED!! I get so upset, I can't breath, my heart starts to race and all I can hear in my head is the incessant chant, "I FAILED! I FAILED . . . I FAILED . . . I FAILED . . . I FAILED . . . " I am so stressed, I didn't sleep well, I had 2 bad dreams, and I had pains in my chest a couple of times. This sucks.

When Electronics Attack

I swear they are out to get me. All those confounded electronic devices that gang up on me and figure out ways to confuse me in the middle of the night.

I told you about my new phone and how it reduced me to a confused, muddle-headed, mess blindly stabbing at buttons hoping that one of them may possibly answer this silly contraption.

Well, let me tell you another little story. I decided that a working mommy deserved an actual working watch. You know one with a strap that actually wraps all the way around your wrist and stays there and tells you the time. Amazing concept I know, but I didn't think it was so much to ask.

Prince Charming and I go to the store and pick one out. My only requirement was that it had a watch strap that would wrap around my wrist and hopefully not wear out in a month. We find one that fits (I have big wrists that in itself was an adventure bordering on a treasure hunt, let me tell you). We found one, we put in the box, we take it home and I put it on. It is a watch, it tells time. That should be all there is to know . . . . right? Yeah right . . . . and all you need to know about cell phones is how to answer them.

I put it on and suddenly there are numbers flashing on the screen that little calendear at the top is flashing three days. What?!? It can't possibly be three days at once. I may not know much, but this I do know. And there should NOT be numbers flashing. Prince Charming set the time. I am starting to think that the little instruction booklet that came with the watch was there for more than extra wrapping to keep the watch from rattling.

I mean I was not surprised the watch came with instructions, so do Pop Tarts. They are for the extremely stupid who can't figure out that the POP-TARTS TOASTING INSTRUCTIONS (1. Remove pastry from pouch. 2. Warm pastry in toasting appliance at lowest or lightest heat setting for one heating cycle only. 3. Cool briefly before carefully removing pastry from toasting appliance. ) basically boils down to take it out of the package, put it in the toaster, when it is done, take it out and eat it, but don't burn yourself silly.

I figured that the watch instructions were like that, for those silly people who lived in caves all there life and have not had the ample watch wearing experience that I, the ever so world-wise one has had.

But that was before I realized that my watch was out to get me. So meanwhile back on the ranch, I am wearing this watch that is flashing all this stuff at me, like it is trying to send secret messages out the alien invaders. And I give Prince Charming my best damsel in distress look and show him my watch. He patiently tells me, if you see that again, push this button and that one and it will go away. And I head off, secure that I have now got this invernal contraption figured out and a lifetime of time-telling bliss is soon to be mine.

But I was wrong.

My watch took to flashing strange things at me when I wasn't expecting it to. I would be working away and suddenly wonder, when is my lunch anyway? And I would look at my watch, expecting it to have the answer. I mean that is it's job. It is the only job it was hired for. I didn't read its resume and I certainly did NOT want all the bells and whistles. I want one and only one thing, THE TIME. But when I look at the time, it is flashing something at me. I try Prince Charming's very simple instructions, "Push this button and then that one." and look hopefully at the watch. And . . . . nope, more numbers getting progressively higher with every button I push. "God help me! Please tell me I am not changing the time on this thing!" I silently pray to myself as I practice my blindly pushing buttons technique I perfected on my cell phone. Finally, with one final push of the buttons, my watch once again proclaims the time. Which is nowhere near lunchtime, but I can handle that. I get back to work forgetting the numbers that were on the watch before I got it to again tell me the time. I figure, they are gone, so they can't be that important, right?

But I was wrong.

At about three in the morning, my watch starts shreiking at me. Without opening my eyes, I blindly press buttons hoping to kill that horrible noise. It goes away and I blissfully fall back asleep. At about five in the morning, I once again hear this shrieking this horrible, awful noise. But I am dead tired. Sound asleep and my brain has decided that this is the alarm clock going off. I am stabbing at buttons on the clock, turning off the alarm, and mumble, "why won't this thing shut up!?". Prince Charming, rolls over, gently takes my hand away from the clock, turns off my evil watch and we both go back to sleep. At some later point in time, (I didn't open my eyes for this one.) It goes off AGAIN!!! I put my hand over Prince Charming, hand him my wrist and say ever so pleasantly, "Turn this damned thing off or it is going in the toilet." With one push of the buttons, he shut it up, hopefully permanently.

But I swear, if this watch takes battle with me tonight, I coming downstairs, I am taking the hammer and I am going to win this battle permanently while making myself a nice watch shaped pile of rubble to play with.

Btw, have I mentioned that we recently got digital cable? Stay tuned for further adventures in "When Good Electronics Go Bad."

Aaah Tuesdays

Tuesdays are so much better than Mondays these days. I survived Monday and it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. I made it through and if the rest of the week is the same, maybe I will survive this whole working mommy thing too.

Remind me next weekeng as Monday looms on the horizon that it isn't as bad as I feel it will be. Remind me that when I make it through, it won't be worth nearly the anxiety I bestowed upon it.

I actually feel pretty good about going in to work today. I feel like I can do this after all. Thank goodness.

I apologize for my Monday Morning blues, for the doldrums creep up on me as Monday does. I am hopeful that I won't always feel this way. I think I can blame a part of if on my deep-down wish that I could be a Stay-at-home-mom and a part of it on my memories of how terrible this job was last time.

Over the weekend, I build a deep dread of going back in and Monday night after work, I realize that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. All weekend long, Monday looms like a dreaded storm and I prepare, bracing myself for the attack. But then Monday passes with a whisper in the night and with relief I look around and see that I survived and it wasn't nearly the attack I expected it to be.

So I apologize for the Mondays and I hope that they get happier as time goes by.

I have hope

I am feeling better about things tonight before I go to bed. I got off work, it wasn't too bad. I made it through and I am hopeful that this shift will improve. I am hopeful that I won't dread going in to work. I am hopeful that I may even learn to like this shift.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or how I will feel going in to work but for today, I feel hopeful

Getting ready

I am getting ready for work. The house is clean (somewhat), I got some laundry done, I got supper made for Prince Charming and Princess and Supper made for me.

And now I am heading into to work and truthfully . . . . I dread it. I hate waiting all day to go to work. I just want to stay home and take care of my family.

But I do like getting stuff for Christmas, I do like getting our bills paid. I do like being ahead. I do like being settled. So, I do what I got to do. I pack up and go to work. To work until after midnight so I can get up and do it again.

How do they do it?

I am exhausted! This was my first late shift at work and how anyone can sit at a desk and work and answer calls in any kind of a sensible fashion after midnight is beyond me. *yawn* I am bleary eyed and exhausted and wondering if i can find the energy to drag my tired butt upstairs to my room. *yawn* I guess I will go to bed now. See you all in the morning