Firsts

I recently saw a movie about a girl who breaks up with her boyfriend.  She thinks it is going to be wonderful but before long she is miserable and all she can think of is either getting back with her boyfriend or getting a new one.  She moves into a little apartment.  When she first moves in, the place is filled with all the necessities of life, but there is very little of her in there.  She doesn't think she will stay so she doesn't invest herself in it. Over time, through a period of self-discovery, she finds a way to really settle into her life and to really enjoy it.  To be invested in the life that she is living now and by the end of the movie, her little apartment is filled with all sorts of little touches that reflect her personality and the life she is living. 

Today this sat with me.  I think that for the first time since I was married all those almost 15 years ago, I am feeling ready to really invest in the place that I live now.  I don't look at housing ads and long to be moving to new and better pastures.  I am really settling into the life I am living now.  So instead of living in a home that could only generously be called, hand-me-down chic, I am investing a little at a time and effort into making this my home.  In the past, I never felt settled, so it felt silly to spend and lot of time, effort, and money into improving things in a place I probably wasn't going to stay.  But now, I am doing things I have never done before.  I am investing in my home, in my life and in myself.

 And so now, I find myself standing at my sink, looking out the window and smiling out at the open fields and the laundry blowing on the line. I drive through town, past all the familiar landmarks,step out of the van at my doorstep I take a deep breath of pure satisfaction.  I wave at my neighbors and feel real genuine affection for them.  Things in the house are not exactlythe way I want them to but, for the first time, I can see a time when this home will be filled with touches that truly reflect my personality and my life.  It took me almost 44 years but I can honestly say that I am happy with the skin, the home, and the life I am in.

So Here's the Truth

While I am glad that my family loves it here, and I do like a lot about this town and our home, I miss my friends.

I miss coffees when I need a chat.  I miss shopping trips.  I miss Tupperware evenings.  I miss barbecues and friends.  I miss having a tribe of mommy friends.  I miss having neighborsthat I can visit and chat with.

Now I am sure that once I start getting to homeschool meetings I may feel less isolated but for now when I have a little spare time, I do miss my friends.

But as I said, my family is thriving so I will adjust.

favorite things

I have to say that since moving here, my favorite thing to do is sit out by my door with the kids.  I love the cool breezes, I love the peaceful scenery, I love greeting my neighbors, and I love how much the kids like it too.  I sit out Little Prince when he gets up late at night and needs a snack and fresh air and I sit out with him for his breakfast some days too.  It is so soothing and lovely.

Okay here it is . . . .

Okay, here's the part where I complain a little.  I know . . . I don't do it a lot, but really, I need to get this off my mind.  So if you are looking for sunshine, rainbows and butterflies, you may want to scroll right on by. 

So here it is . . . . getting old sucks!  I know . . . shocking, right?  But I am only 43 years old and every morning when I get up, I feel really, really old. 

My nighttime routine consists of the following:

1. I tuck into bed and either read a book or watch a little bit of netflix, for about 15 minutes, just long enough to feel sleepy.

2.  I turn on my side and fall asleep for a hour.

3.  After an hour, either my neck, back, shoulder, knees or a combination thereof hurts so bad that I have to turn over.

4.  Repeat this for about 4 or 5 hours, then find out both sides hurt and lay on my back for an hour to sleep.

5.  After another hour (for a total of 5 or 6 hours), everything hurts but especially my neck.  So now I have to get up, because I have learned that if I stay in bed past this point I get a HORRIBLE headache (no matter how much I really really want more sleep!)

I get up in the morning an stumble downstairs blearily to the coffee pot and wait for the caffeine to do it's job and wake me up enough to mommy for the day.  I tell Prince Charming I get up in the morning because my bed is trying to kill me.  But I mean really, who gets up because it hurts to much to LAY DOWN!!!  Isn't laying down the thing you do when you hurt??   How am I so old and broken that laying down is to strenuous for me?????

I tell you . . .  this getting old things SUCKS!!!

Leave it to Beaverland . . .

Eleven years ago, on my very first blog post, I posted about how this isn't the happily ever after I dreamed of when I was a little girl.  Heck, it is even on my About Me Page!  And certainly I am willing to admit that my childhood dreams of Ozzie and Harriet meets Leave it to Beaver may have been a little out of the range of possibilities.  And I am even willing to say that there are things I never would have expected in a million years.

• The Prince Charming of my dreams would never have been unemployed, but then he probably didn't get belly buttons and play at drawing pictures on little backs either.  
• There were only three children in my dreams, but that is only because I never even imagined how wonderful four children could be.
• I would never have thought that I could be the mother of kids with special need, but then all kids have their own special needs, my kids just wear most of theirs on the outside where I can see them.  
• I never imagined changing homes almost as often as we change our socks, but we have just been searching for the best place to raise our family and I think this time we found it . . . and besides, my kids like the adventure. 
• It never crossed my mind that I would teach my kids at home, I had visions of handing them their lunches, patting them on the head and sending them off to school.  In my mind, homeschooled kids were lonely children resembling the kids from the Von Trappe family, not the friendly, outgoing kids in my home.  But then, I would have missed out on all the wonderful light bulb moments of discovery that make homeschooling so much fun.

Von Trappe Family

 My kids

The thing is, if my childhood self could have had a list of lives to choose from, she wouldn't have picked the life that said "budget conscious, homeschooling mom of four kids at least two of whom have special needs and whose husband isn't working right now".  And . . . she would have been wrong.  She would have missed out on a wonderfully relaxed home filled with laughter, love, learning, fun, giggles and quite simply filled with so much life.  There is no part of my life that I would exchange for the Ozzie and Harriet meets Leave it to Beaverland life of my dreams.  Because  realizing those dreams would have made me miss out on the best parts of the life I have.

My adorable little helpers

Sisterly adoration

Dandelion bouquets for mommy and blowing wishes for my kids

My beautiful girls

Mischievous smiles

Slumber so sweet, you just want to snuggle

Silly games

The light these people bring to my life

Smiles to melt your heart

Firsts that are a LONG time coming (At three years old, the first time my autistic son climbed stairs by himself)

Sisters who help and adore their baby brother

Joyful kids

Silly kids

Playful kids

Playing dress-up

Thoughtful moments

Sisterly smiles that show how close they truly are

Quiet moments

My beautiful teenager daughter, she made me a mother and changed me forever.

Prince Charming who loves to share his knowledge with his kids

A house filled with love

He's Changed Me

Little Prince has changed how I look at things.  When I watch a show or a video about a family affected by special needs, I have a different outlook.  I was always open-minded and softhearted but now I am more personally affected.

For example, Garth Brooks' video "Standing Outside the Fire" makes me cry.  I LOVE it.  The way the boy with special needs works so hard for what he wants to accomplish, the way his mother supports him, and when his father come running to his side at the end, it touches me in a real, very deep way.


And for another example, I have always had social issues and I was always uncomfortable when I was approached by someone I didn't know and they talked a lot to me.  When I was at bus stops, I was often approached by people who had special needs who wanted to chat.  I was always polite,  I was never once rude to them, I smiled at them, listened to them but inside I was uncomfortable.  But now when I look at one of these people at the bus stop, independently making their way in the world, chatting with people at the bus stop, I actually admire what they have accomplished.  When they chat with people they don't know, I think of Little Prince in the future, I think of how I would want people to treat him if he was able to communicate and wanted to chat with them.  Now, I chat back, I smile at them and mean it.  I converse with them and really listen to them.  I treat them with the respect I think we all deserve and I treat them the way I hope Little Prince is treated in the future.

This little boy who can't talk, who doesn't sleep and eat properly, and who lights up every single moment of my life has changed me in so many real and profound ways.  He has opened my heart and mind and made me a better person.

Oh NO!

It's happening again.  Every time I go veggie, I end up losing my hair!  I don't know why.  I am taking LOTS of vitamins, I am trying hard to eat healthy.  A few days earlier this month, I even went off veggie and just ate healthy before I went back to eating veggie again.  It is still happening. 

Here is me only a month ago:

This is me today:

Too Big!!!

I went to a different store than I usually do today.  It was HUGE compared to my little store.  I like my store, I know where all the healthy things are, I know where all the sales are.  I know where everything I want is.  It is familiar and I like that.  Shopping there is a relaxing trip for me.

But I was all smart today and went to a new store.  IT WAS HUGE!!

 

It was like a grocery store combined with walmart combined with Shoppers Drug Mart.  All in one store!!!  I felt like I was in a foreign country.  I couldn't find anything I wanted.  And it was funny but even though it was bigger my little store carries more variety of some things! 

I guess I have turned into a small town girl at heart and giant congomeration stores are not fun for me.  I like poking around little stores and finding hidden treasures.  I like smiling and chatting with the ladies behind the counter.  I like the familiar air of the store.

Princess Wishes

Poor Princess Magpie is NOT enjoying this house.  Every other day she comes to me with requests for our next house.  Here is her shopping list for a new house:

• She wants a basement because, "they're cool to explore in".  
• She wants a backyard because we have none here, it isn't safe to let her play outside our door and she misses our yard. 
• She wants playroom/classroom because it meant her toys were organized on a more regular basis
• And if she could have anything in the world, she would like her own room, but she doesn't mind sharing with her sister if she can have a yard and a playroom. 

These are all perfectly respectable requests and I honestly would like those things too.

Prince Charming just really really wants to move out of the city.  He is tired of bad neighborhoods and hearing of crime all the time. I get that too and I know my kids like the freedom of small town living.

I like my neighbors here.  I like having things relatively close by.  I like having friends close by.  I would honestly stay in the city or at least close to it if we could but I get that it would make everyone happy if we don't stay here.  And, I know that I LOVE small town living too.  My only thing is that I am tired of limbo.  I am tired of not being settled.  That may be contributing to my wish to just stay put.  I sort of feel like if I have to move, let's just get it over with.  But I am being a grownup and planning and saving and doing it right.