I am just lost and feeling a lot of mixed up stuff. I even feel a little guilty too. I mean, my baby was there, growing, with a strong heartbeat and doing okay. My body just evicted the baby. I don't know why.
I am so lost. This morning I just tried to keep myself busy cleaning my house, doing dishes, doing laundry. I just tried to get done all the things I couldn't do when I was on bedrest. But this afternoon, I don't want to do anything. I am just sitting here alone in my head. I keep going over it, replaying it all step by step. Try to see what I could have done differently. And Little Princess keeps asking questions.
She was devastated when we told her. We climbed into our bed, cuddling with her between Josh and I, and I told her. she just looked at me for a second and then covered her face in her hands and sobbed, but heartbreaking, body shaking, sobs. And I held her and told her that it was okay to be sad, that mommy was sad too and that anytime she felt sad, she could come to me and we could be sad together.
All day she has been saying things like, "But I wanted to be a big sister." and "Mommy, if the baby died, will you die too?" and then the killer ones in which she says, "But mommy you told me the baby would come after Christmas." like I lied to her.
And that is just so hard. I keep explaining it to her, the same way I did the pregnancy, in honest but simple terms. but she seems to think that if she asks just the right way, or does just the right thing, she might still get a baby.
And she looks at me and cries again saying, "Mommy, I wanted a baby sister. I am going to miss the baby." I just look at her with tear filled eyes and say me too.
And as hard as that is, truth be told, it is even harder when she isn't there to be strong for. When I am alone, I just burst into tears spontaneously. I can't get it out of my head. I just want to turn off my brain and sleep until I can wake up from all this hurt.
And part of me is angry too. I am mad that I waited for four years to get pregnant with this baby and I just lost it. I have a room with a pile of stuff for the baby that I can't look at. I put a few things that are momentos of the baby in my drawer that I will do something with later. Right now I am lost and mixed up and I don't know what to feel, what to say, what to do.
This is probably rambling and I am probably saying all the wrong things, but I had to get it out there somewhere.
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10 comments:
I know this is a hard time for you. I'm SO sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts in prayers. Don't feel bad about needing to vent here. It's what we are here for. Just take all the time you need and talk to us whenever you need to. You're going through a really hard time right now, but you will make it.
I am so very sorry. How could you say anything wrong when you are just saying what you feel? We all have to go through grief in our own manner and in our own time. Don't ever apologize for it and don't let anyone EVER tell you that "it's time to get over it." There is no right or wrong. It's a terrible thing to go through and too many people (who never HAVE been through it) try to minimize it. Don't let them.
Praying that the Lord will comfort you and surround you with His loving arms.
(Found you through the photo hunt blogroll.) I miscarried my first baby many years ago. Hugs and prayers from Colorado.
I am praying you through every stage of the grief process. You are doing whatever you need to do, including typing whatever you want. Thinking of you.
Nothing we say, write or do will make this any easier.
You and the little princess are in our thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss, and hope that in time you can reach a point where the pain isn't so raw.
Big hugs gal - big, big hugs to you!!!
Hi sweetie. I have been where you are, and I still don't have any answers. As others have said, write what you feel, they are your feelings, and cannot be compared to anyone else's. Know you have friends, love and support in the world, even silent prayers from those who read, but don't comment.
love and healing...jojo
Oh hun. I am so so so sorry that this happened to you. You were sooo excited. I wish I were there in person to give you a great big hug. If you need me, you know where I am
I am so sorry. As a fellow miscarriage sufferer, I know there are no words that can ease your pain. My heart is with you.
I can't say I know how you're feeling but I assure you that I know how it feels like to have lost somebody you loved dearly.
Lots of hugs from somebody from Malaysia who keeps you in her prayers :)
I am very sorry that this has happened. Maybe there is an organisation that you can go to to talk about how you feel. I know in Australia there are support groups for those who miscarriage. I think it is important that you are able to talk about this. Our prayers and thoughts are with you. Take care.
I am sooo sorry and I will keep your family in my prayers in this time of loss.
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