Well, it is a new day to get through and I am surviving, doing the best i can to get up, take care of Princess, take care of my house, get things done and just get through.
Princess is doing better. She is pretty strong and loving. She gets concerned if she sees me sad and does what she can to try to make me happy, so I try not to be sad around her. She is pretty open about it and asked me to tell her teacher that the baby had died and that she wasn't going to get to be a big sister.
On the other side, I am a little better. The pain is there but not quite as raw. I still cry sometimes, but I will get through this. I am just so sad for Princess. She deserves better. Do you know that all of her imaginary sisters vanished the day I told her I was pregnant? She has always called the baby and girl and I guess, I am going go with that.
And I keep replaying the last day over and over in my head. Remembering every detail, how we saw my baby on the U/S that day, we saw her heartbeat, and as gross as this may sound when I passed her, I held her in my hands. I can still feel her there. I can still see her in the sac. I can still remember wondering if that was her for sure. I can remember laying there alone in the hospital room trying to convince myself that it wasn't her, that it was something else. I can still remember the horror when the doctor walked into the room assuming that I knew I had lost her and saying, "Well it looks like you passed it all, so you won't need to have a D&C" and the shaking that started when I looked at him and said, "You mean I am not pregnant anymore?" I can remember praying he was wrong while he did another U/S to verify that I was no longer pg. I can remember the young nurse holding my hand after he left and comforting me. I can feel her arms on my shoulders while I walked out the front door. I can see her kind face. She was new. The doctor was explaining things to her. That poor girl had to witness my heartbreak when she wasn't even used to dealing with these things. I could see her concern and kindness as she dealt with me. I am grateful for her.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see this over and over again. So, I try not to close my eyes. I just clean my house, do my dishes, watch television shows about decorating and makeovers, and I plan on how I am going to lose this weight I gained in the last 2 months. I keep busy, I get through, I put a bandaid of busy on my pain and hope that if I just keep moving it will go away.
6 comments:
Dear friend,
My heart is aching for you! I was almost 11 weeks along when I held my precious baby in my hand. I am so glad I had the opportunity. I am sorry that doctors can be "all business"! My dr. was horrid. You will get through this. You are not alone.
Praying for you!!!
carlastream@gmail.com
My last miscarriage was my last try. I had a very hard time, but after a while, I went out and bought her some tiny booties. I put them in a little box, with her ultrasound pictures, wrapped it all up, and put it away. Some have a grave, others an urn, I have a little box. She is honored and remembered. Hugs and prayers again for you and yours. jojo
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby. You are in my thoghts and prayers.
Hugs and tears,
Jane
Oh, bless your heart. I've not been over in a few days and I had no idea. I am so sorry to hear your news. Please know that I am sending my thoughts and prayers your way. I too miscarried before I had my first child and I know how terrible you feel. Everyone will tell yout hat you'll feel better and it was "for the best", but only time can heal this wound...and you will never forget or "feel better". Take care of yourslef. If you need me, please feel free to contact me. Oh, you sweetheart...you squeeze that little princess tight tonight and tell her how much you love her. She is the reason you are being so strong, I know...
I have been out of town and I am behind. I am so sorry, so very sorry.
I know this is a bit late, but I´m very sorry to hear about your loss. I just came across your blog through Wordless Wednesday.
I lost three babies before I had my two sons. All of them were just before 3 months and with the last two, I also saw the birth sac and the placenta, it is so hard to deal with the loss of a baby, even an unborn one.
Hang in there and it will get better. I´m sure you are already doing better than you were when you wrote this post, having Princess to keep you going has to help. I just spent days in bed after my three. But kids don´t let you stop! :)
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