I haven't been completely honest with you the last couple of days, I have been weathering a storm and I haven't felt up to sharing it. Like a child huddled in a corner while the winds of stress and indecision swirl around me battering me, paralyzing me. Leaving helpless to save myself by making any choices at all.
I struggled like that for a few days, putting off decisions, pretending the weekend would go on forever. But as the weekend crawled by and nightmares tormented the little sleep I was getting, and heart palpitations accompanying every thought I had of work, I knew I could't pretend that I was okay forever. The weight of indecision paralyzed me, I couldn't clean my house, I couldn't leave my house, I couldn't even take care of myself. On both Friday and Monday, I put it off any permanent decisions, when I burst into tears while getting ready for work, I called in sick. I just got through the day. Day to day was all I could manage.
Today, I called work. I told them what had been happening. I told them I have been having ongoing stress issues. I told them about my heart palpitations. I told them I couldn't face going in to work. In short, I quit.
I feel like a weakling, like a failure, like I should have been stronger, I shouldn't have let it get to me. But, my mom had 4 major heart attacks when she was my age. The idea of being a failure scares me, but the idea of having a heart attack at 35 scares me more.
When I called today, they were kind and gentle. They were concerned and didn't pressure me to change my mind. They made me feel valued and let me know I would be missed, but they also let me know they understood.
Afterwards, sitting quietly with my hands wrapped around my hot cup of coffee in the calm that often follows a storm, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I took my first deep breathe in days and the thought went through my head . . . . "I'm Free." And suddenly the sun was peaking out from the clouds and I felt that whatever else came, I knew I was going to be okay.