Nov 6, 2007

Coming Clean

I haven't been completely honest with you the last couple of days, I have been weathering a storm and I haven't felt up to sharing it. Like a child huddled in a corner while the winds of stress and indecision swirl around me battering me, paralyzing me. Leaving helpless to save myself by making any choices at all.

I struggled like that for a few days, putting off decisions, pretending the weekend would go on forever. But as the weekend crawled by and nightmares tormented the little sleep I was getting, and heart palpitations accompanying every thought I had of work, I knew I could't pretend that I was okay forever. The weight of indecision paralyzed me, I couldn't clean my house, I couldn't leave my house, I couldn't even take care of myself. On both Friday and Monday, I put it off any permanent decisions, when I burst into tears while getting ready for work, I called in sick. I just got through the day. Day to day was all I could manage.

Today, I called work. I told them what had been happening. I told them I have been having ongoing stress issues. I told them about my heart palpitations. I told them I couldn't face going in to work. In short, I quit.

I feel like a weakling, like a failure, like I should have been stronger, I shouldn't have let it get to me. But, my mom had 4 major heart attacks when she was my age. The idea of being a failure scares me, but the idea of having a heart attack at 35 scares me more.

When I called today, they were kind and gentle. They were concerned and didn't pressure me to change my mind. They made me feel valued and let me know I would be missed, but they also let me know they understood.

Afterwards, sitting quietly with my hands wrapped around my hot cup of coffee in the calm that often follows a storm, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I took my first deep breathe in days and the thought went through my head . . . . "I'm Free." And suddenly the sun was peaking out from the clouds and I felt that whatever else came, I knew I was going to be okay.

10 comments:

Karin said...

Well, if you felt relieved after it was over, then you did the right thing. The most important thing, really, is your health. There are other jobs. Good for you for being strong. *hugs*

Notsosnowwhite said...

The most important thing is for you to be ok.... Its just a job... Belle needs her mom more than that job needs you. With your mom having heart trouble, I think you did the right decision.... MIND YOU I still think you should go to the doctor. to make sure everything is ok.

Fantastagirl said...

I'm with notsosnowwhite - i think you need to get to a doctor... just to be on the safe side.

There will be other employment opportunities... you have to be healthy so you can be around for your little one...

crazy working mom said...

Good for you!

I'm glad you made the decision that's best for YOU and your family...AND that it has made a difference.

Kadi Prescott said...

I feel your pain. Just know that you are never alone. There are other moms, like me, who also go through times that hold a lot more than we are prepared to cope with. It doesn't mean that we are bad moms or bad people, just normal humans. I will pray for your strength!

Nicole said...

You have to do what is best for you. And I for one, after reading all of your struggles, am really glad you quit. You're going to be ok. I have faith in that.

Your health should ALWAYS come first, and yes, please consider seeing a doctor. I'd miss you if anything happened and you need to get yourself straightened out.

*hugs*

Cory said...

Don't feel like a failure. It's not failing to take a stand for your health!!!

Heather said...

You are NOT a failure! You are a funny, kind, smart woman and even though I didn't know you long I loved every minute I got with you. You made training bearable and I know what the stress of that place does to a person (namely me the first time I worked there) and think you're very smart to think of your health and your family first. Be well, I know something will come your way b/c you so deserve it!

April said...

You could never be a failure and I sure understand that relief when you get something out of your life that feels burdensome. Lots of hugs you are going to be fine and I will always be here for you..{hugs}

Sheila said...

Good decision, I think God gives us the answers within ourselves. Society tells us a different answer. You enjoy that sweet family of yours and never ever regret for a moment your decision. You are not a failure you are a wonderful female doing the best she can in a whirlwind world. God bless and enjoy these days with your family it goes so fast....much love
Sheila