Introspective Moment

I have been thinking a lot lately about the way it is so easy for me to sink into my own little world and take an observers position. Watching things, taking things in and forming opinions and thoughts but never participating on my own, never taking the risk to put myself out there and make contact. And I think a part of it comes from all my moves. I spent a LOT of time moving as a kid. More than 40 moves as of now and for a LONG time I got teased. Perpetually being the new kid, never knowing how things worked in this new place and using the slang that was cool in one place was totally strange somewhere else. I learned to sit back. Watch people quietly. See how they did things and do them the same way. I never made my own opinions and I certainly never voiced my opinions. I never did anything different from anyone else if I could and I kind of developed a barrier between me and everyone else. I was smily, friendly and cheerful, but I never made the first move, never approached anyone and mostly spent my life on the sidelines, outside the window looking in.

I think that became my safety zone. And in moments when I am low, I revert completely to that role. I sink into my world, into my routines, submerge myself in all that is in my house, but reserve my view of the outside and the people out there to simply an observations role. I became comfortable in my world, in my role as an observer. But now, I am a mom and a wife and they deserve more active participation with the outside world. They deserve to have contact, to have friends and family, to have people over without me cringing in a corner. And truthfully, it is better for me too.