I told Little Princess and other depressing stuff

I am just lost and feeling a lot of mixed up stuff. I even feel a little guilty too. I mean, my baby was there, growing, with a strong heartbeat and doing okay. My body just evicted the baby. I don't know why.

I am so lost. This morning I just tried to keep myself busy cleaning my house, doing dishes, doing laundry. I just tried to get done all the things I couldn't do when I was on bedrest. But this afternoon, I don't want to do anything. I am just sitting here alone in my head. I keep going over it, replaying it all step by step. Try to see what I could have done differently. And Little Princess keeps asking questions.

She was devastated when we told her. We climbed into our bed, cuddling with her between Josh and I, and I told her. she just looked at me for a second and then covered her face in her hands and sobbed, but heartbreaking, body shaking, sobs. And I held her and told her that it was okay to be sad, that mommy was sad too and that anytime she felt sad, she could come to me and we could be sad together.

All day she has been saying things like, "But I wanted to be a big sister." and "Mommy, if the baby died, will you die too?" and then the killer ones in which she says, "But mommy you told me the baby would come after Christmas." like I lied to her.

And that is just so hard. I keep explaining it to her, the same way I did the pregnancy, in honest but simple terms. but she seems to think that if she asks just the right way, or does just the right thing, she might still get a baby.

And she looks at me and cries again saying, "Mommy, I wanted a baby sister. I am going to miss the baby." I just look at her with tear filled eyes and say me too.

And as hard as that is, truth be told, it is even harder when she isn't there to be strong for. When I am alone, I just burst into tears spontaneously. I can't get it out of my head. I just want to turn off my brain and sleep until I can wake up from all this hurt.

And part of me is angry too. I am mad that I waited for four years to get pregnant with this baby and I just lost it. I have a room with a pile of stuff for the baby that I can't look at. I put a few things that are momentos of the baby in my drawer that I will do something with later. Right now I am lost and mixed up and I don't know what to feel, what to say, what to do.

This is probably rambling and I am probably saying all the wrong things, but I had to get it out there somewhere.
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