Monday Madness

Since I am sick and feeling non-creative today, I thought I would share a few jokes to brighten up your Monday. I hope you all had a great weekend and that you have a great week too.


A Mother's Dictionary ...

• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
• Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
  Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
• Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
• Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
• Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing superman pajamas.
• Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
  Verbal: Able to whine in words.
• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house...
• Weekend: When dad gets to play golf while mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

Child rearing FAQs

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause haemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?A: When the kids are in college.